@ Horror

Halloween: Ten things that will get you dead

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I enjoyed writing “In a Horror movie you’re not as smart as you think.” It served as a nice reminder not to be so hard on horror movie characters. It also reminded me of my responsibilities to the community of bloggers. I feel I owe it to them to share my knowledge of the things that will get them dead. Sure, we can say the stuff of horror movies aren’t true—but that’s because most of us follow the rules, most of the time. And I might argue the reason we don’t think those movie things are possible is because…no one survives to share the tale.

Anyway, my point is, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure…and it’s almost All Hallows Eve, so here is my list of “things that will get you dead.”

1. A great deal on that old house: Classic mistake! I understand. The housing market is pretty bad and there are a lot of great deals out there, but if it’s too good to be true…walk away. The quickest way to get yourself dead is to buy that “old house” that they are practically giving away. I strongly urge you to follow a few simple rules. First, only buy homes built in the last ten years. These are far less likely to be haunted. Second, and most important, don’t buy a house someone has died in or one that was the scene of a murder. Third, if the real estate agent coyly tells you, “well yes the house does have a history”—punch them in the face for even trying to unload that death trap on you and your family.

2. Oh it must have been the wind: In forty some odd years I have never seen the “wind” open a locked door….never. It has never slid open the window in a back bedroom either. Closing and locking said mysteriously wind driven opening may seem like a good idea, but it’s not. All you’ve accomplished is locking yourself inside the house with whatever came through that door or window for the purpose of killing you. If you find a door open…especially at night…leave and call the police. Police love responding to possible home invasions. They get to draw their weapons and it’s a lot more fun than traffic stops. Remember to insist the officers check all the closets, attic, under the beds, and in the basement. No cursory searches. Pointless of course if it’s a demonic entry, but if you followed rule number one then that is unlikely.

3. I know a quicker route: The moment you get off the highway on that long road trip your life expectancy drops in half. The only thing “back roads” offer are mutant psychos, towns full of Satanists, and sociopathic rapists. You can also anticipate that there will be no opportunity to find a fueling station for the next 300 miles and that around the next dark corner your car is going to get a flat tire. So unless you travel with a shotgun and a fully loaded 9mm, then I urge you to stick to Interstate Whatever.

4. Is there a tow truck in town?: Okay so you didn’t listen to rule number three and now you’ve broken down on that dark lonely road. Call for assistance right? Wrong! It’s the f-ing middle of the night in east bum f*#k! Who do you think will show up? The Triple A guy? No, the driver will either be a) a psycho mutant b.) a member of a satanic group or c.) a sociopath rapist (good lord you really should be writing this stuff down). So don’t make a bad situation worse. Abandon the car and find a good hiding spot until dawn. Then make your way to a place where everyone is not a part of a large conspiracy to murder and rape travelers.

5. I’m too tired to keep driving: Stopping at a 2nd rate hotel guarantees death. I’m sure there are some lovely “little” places that are completely safe. They are called bed & breakfasts and they are located in towns with a lot of tourism. Think about it. How does a 2nd rate motel, situated on a road no one travels, making enough money to stay in business? Answer: By selling your car and clothing after they kill you and bury your body in the woods. If the sign doesn’t say Holiday Inn, Hilton, Marriott or some other brand name…don’t stop there. Which of course won’t be a problem if you stay on the damn Interstate.

6. Did you hear that? No I didn’t and you should pretend that you didn’t hear it either. Seriously, that noise from upstairs can only be one of two things. The first is it’s nothing. It’s the house settling or something falling off the shelf or your imagination. None of those scenarios require your investigation so sit back down. The second possibility is you didn’t follow rule number one and that noise is a demon or angry spirit. Do you have anything on your person that can kill either of those (that TV remote won’t work)? No. Then where the hell are you going hero? The third option is that was the sound of the not-wind opening a door or window.

So the noise was either nothing, in which case you can sit back down or it is something, in which case you should run….outside…now. The only thing you shouldn’t do…is go looking for trouble…that action is just the indoor version of getting off the Interstate.

7. We’ll get her through this: From time to time a friend, family member, or loved one may suffer from demonic possession. Sure, go ahead take them to the hospital for all those useless tests…and then leave them there. I know that sounds cruel, but seriously you can’t bring them back home. Are you a catholic priest trained in exorcisms? No, you are not  and even if you were, that demon will likely try to jump into another person. Do you want to be its next victim? Of course not…so don’t bring your contorting, head spinning, demon possessed loved one back into the house…it will get you dead.

8. I love the outdoors: The reason the human species has thrived is…we live in houses. Being outside…in the woods…at night… is not safe. It looks lovely on television, sure, but that’s because you’re inside. Camping and hiking are terrible ideas in terms of survival. First of all, it’s dark out there…well everywhere except around your campfire which makes you a big beacon of light that attracts all kinds of bad things. Second, that nylon tent isn’t exactly a fortress of defense. Third, that psycho that has been following you for the last ten miles hasn’t been contemplating your death…he’s just waiting for you to get deep enough into the woods to mask your screams.

9. Were you looking for something? I lived with teenagers and teenagers tend to open cupboards, but not close them. Teens open a lot of things with the exception of the dishwasher (that appears to be cloaked from their view). An open cupboard or two doesn’t mean anything…all the cupboards open however means you have a problem. It’s a gateway activity. Next the demon stacks all your furniture in the center of the room.  If you enter your kitchen and discover all the cupboards open then it is time to go. You can’t call the police for this, they’ll think you are crazy…a fact that will surface as evidence when they find you and everyone else in the house slaughtered a few nights later… so I suggest selling the residence to some other unsuspecting family. I know that doesn’t seem nice, but survival requires the hard choices.

10. A walk up death trap and your very own graveyard: I grew up in two houses with walk up attics and if I had my way, I would have nailed the doors shut. A walk up attic is the place where every ghost, demon, or malevolent spirit awaits. It is also the place where psycho’s hide until you go to sleep. Basements are no better. I moved from Connecticut to Florida and let me tell you I was happy to be rid of the basement. Basements are under ground. Do you know what else is underground? Dead things. Unless you want to be a dead thing, I suggest you stay out of the basement.

So those are the basics to staying alive. There are probably several more good practices like not talking to mirrors in a dark room, not exploring graveyards, checking your closet before you turn off the light, and not sleeping on your back (when that thing grabs your ankles, being on your stomach allows you to grab hold and perhaps not be dragged down the dark hallway toward the basement – just saying).

I know you probably won’t follow all my advice. You probably think I’m being silly. You’ll take that dark short cut, you’ll investigate that nighttime noise, you’ll hang out in that basement…and maybe live a long happy life. But if it does … one dark night in some dark place… break bad…I’m satisfied knowing…I warned you.

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